a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize