just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
