I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
