It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
