I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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