believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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