I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
