Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize