I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
