Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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