you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
