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shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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