I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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