My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
