I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
