omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
