So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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