im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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