when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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