dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize