I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
