Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize