he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
