Walk of Shame. In a state park.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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