I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
