I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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