then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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