had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
