I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
