Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
