Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
