you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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