New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
