my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
