Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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