and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
