Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
