her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
