She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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