Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
