After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
