Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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