16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
