All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
