I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
