Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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