There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
