In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm passing your future prison.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
