Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
