There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
