First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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