if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
