i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
