If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
