where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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